Wednesday, January 21, 2015

mom thoughts

"Becoming a mother requires breaking up with so many parts of ourselves that we used to love--all that free time and sleep and selfish ability to whatever we wanted pretty much whenever was the most convenient for us. But God--His call will always blow our lives and plans apart with Holy, unexpected invitation."

I was telling someone the other day that half the time I still view myself as a carefree, nineteen year old, college student, and the other half a twenty five year old wife and mother. It's a weird place. I still have so many selfish moments where I just want Bennett to sleep so I can do something for MYSELF. But then I have moments where I am overcome with so much thankfulness that God chose ME to be a mom. A MOM. I don't take this for granted for one second.

Adam and I take turns waking up with Bennett in the middle of the night to eat. I have the 3am shift and Adam has the 6am. In those quiet moments when the rest of the world is asleep and it's just me and him I am so overwhelmed. I have never felt a love like this before. It makes all the hard days of pregnancy seem like a distant memory and makes me feel like I could possibly do it again one day (something I wasn't so sure of a few months ago).

Our days with Bennett are not always easy. We do not have an easy baby. It has been a constant battle to find the perfect combination of the correct formula and medication since he was born to make him feel comfortable. It has been 7 weeks of a lot of trial and a LOT of error, and even though we've settled into more of a routine there are still days where it just doesn't add up and he is left with terrible reflux and there is NOTHING we can do to help. That's such a hard place to be as a parent. But just how my pregnancy troubles pale in comparison to the joy I am experiencing as a mom, I know these tough newborn days will feel like light years away way too soon.

I am working really hard to not wish these days away. I want to soak up every second of his sweet baby cuddles, even if he is screaming in pain. I want to practice patience and selflessness and give my whole self to taking care of him and making him as happy as possible. I want to be a great mom.

I know this was all over the place, but that's what happens when your heart is exploding with words at 3:30am and you just have to get it down before you forget. I never want to forget these moments. Husband asleep next to me, baby stirring as he tries to fall back asleep in his swing. I want this moment to last forever.

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